So, I've been a University student for a week. Interesting classes by interesting profs is interesting.

And already I've gotten a 'talk' oddly familiar to the 'verbal tear down' from my Dad. About grades that are yet to surface. Because I just finished my first week of University. Papers are only due in three weeks. AT THE EARLIEST.

And the subject hasn't even been discussed in class yet.

Admittedly, I didn't do so well in my last years of highschool. College was a bit better in the second half of the ordeal. I should know, I was the one that went through every single damning motion 24/7. Went to every lecture. Did every test. Failed when I put my heart into it, or not enough. Depending on the circumstances.

So tell me, how am I supposed to "clean up my act" (as my wonderful, loving father stated multiple times) if you keep shoving all my past mistakes in my face? If a person is willing to put their best foot forward, WHY would you put stumbling blocks right in front of them? There's just no use for such a practice. Ultimately, failure and the consequential disappointment will happen YET AGAIN.

Yes, a person can learn from their past mistakes. And people do, for the most part. Which is great. But they also do it with a good support team. A safety net of sorts. Mine has holes that are too big to catch me. The netting's too frail or made of barbed wire. On some days, I wonder why I even bother getting ready to do something that will be criticized by someone who's never had the opportunity to do what I am able to do, or that I do of my own will. Why I decided to follow this path instead of a different, ( and to my eyes ) equally alluring path that didn't receive as much parental backing in the early stages.

Call me the problem child. Call me the fat, lazy, lying, irresponsible, undeserving waste of space that I am to your eyes. Because then the skin will be cut through in one go, and I won't feel the phantom pain for such a long time.

Stop giving me pleasures if you'll just take it back in the same breath. I've had my fill of tears, had my quota of constant inadequacy. I'm done with all this fucking bullshit. It's bled onto other aspects of my life that I've held dear for so long. It's affecting my art, my writing, my music...anything that becomes an extension of myself in the short or long term.

I'm closing this account. It's been a few months in the making, but this is the final blow. Taking down my pictures and a few illustrations that I don't hate too much for the next few weeks before dumping them in another milieu. Those of whom I want to be found by will be notified in due time...the rest can do what they want. I don't mind and won't be insulted by your decision, and wish you all the best of luck and much happiness.

[Account closed]

I have about one more month of school.

ONE.
MORE.
MONTH.

And then I'm free. To go work for about half of the summer.

I need to give in my application response to the uni of my choice, I can't believe I keep putting that off.

Of course, all of this probably won't matter if I FAIL at things. And I don't want to be doing that at a time like THIS.

For crying out loud, I'm so stressed that I can't even get myself to DRAW something. How sad is that??

...

On a slightly happier note, I found myself a guitar for 40$. A 1981 Hondo that I call Honey Bunny and that needs constant tuning due to the fact that an old guitar with it's original parts is old.
Oh, and I went to Jamaica, see Tryo in concert and visit Disney World. All in the past month and a half.

It was all awesome.

Now back to work. The presentation that's due tomorrow at 8 in the morning is sadly not going to write itself...

Yes, I know that the beautiful holiday glow has gone from yours faces.

The bills need to be paid for those of you who actually WORK ( like my loving nii-chan ); school is creeping back into the lives of everyone else.

But still, HAPPY NEW YEAR BITCHES.

(For those wondering what I promised to do this year...I resolved to hook up with folks (boy or girl), just for the heck of it, and since it counts as life experience. Ain’t life grand??)



And Merry Christmas to all of my fellow members of the ex-USSR.

I really should get to drawing. And writing. And taking pretty pictures for all of you to enjoy.

I’ve just been going through an annoying style try-out for a while, and it’s only NOW that I realize that I liked drawing things out the way that and do it. It’s so much fun, for reals yo!

There are a whole lot of characters and stories that need to be shown. I might even consider drawing out all the different characters and then let you people decide which should be worked on, since I have no self-control on these matters (as I feel that everything can make a cool story/comic and I want to work on them simultaneously).

So whaddya say lovies and duckies? Should I go for it? ahhHAHAHAHAHA~

I’m totally spazzing out right now because I finally got my grubby paws on a ticket for a show that I’m ecstatic about.

FUCK I TRYO It’s pretty much all that I listen to nowadays when I go on my computer. I’m so happy to have rediscovered this group : love:

Now to try and forget that school starts on the 14th (eegads!)...where on earth did I put my art supplies? -scampers off-

I’m just writing for the sake of writing. This isn’t a response to anything or anyone. So if anyone feels targeted, you aren’t, alright? I just have a lot of steam to blow off. The joy of having misplaced anger issues thanks to years of being made fun of, hurt, duped (I even had someone bitch about how I was TOO NICE) but I try to control it. It works out most of the time, but close friends have seen me in my darkest moments, or have received the blunt of it. Fuck, I wouldn’t be surprised if people asked me if this was written WHILE I WAS ANGRY, or working up some anger to blow off (it would, however, explain whatever lack of coherency that would surface).

For that I’m sorry, even though words would never be enough to express it fully, and not everyone would be able to read/comment. I’m glad that (some of) my friends and family at least ACKNOWLEDGE that I’m a fuck-up when I show that particular side of me, and try to take me out of it before I go too far in the deep end.

Of course, it goes without saying that this isn’t 100% objective. Objectiveness in itself does not exist to begin with, but that is not the point.

The point is, it seems that a whole lot of people are voicing out on how their lives suck, how they don’t know what to do anymore, their parents don’t love them and all that jazz. Well my lovies and duckies, LIFE SUCKS. PEOPLE CAN SUCK TOO. We fall. We hurt. We wallow.

But one of the many aspects of growing up, besides taking a drink and being able to vote...is to PICK YOURSELVES UP. Learn from mistakes, go beyond whatever station you were in before, grow from it, become a better person. Just don’t stay in one place for too long.

I find it extremely frustrating when people don’t try to be their own individual, because Mom and Dad are hounding you to “be something that you’re not” and you hate them for it while doing squat to change it. Keep a firm foot-hold if it is what you truly want for yourself.

Hey, I know I’m not the best person out there to talk about respecting your parents in an unconditional manner (I’ve had my issues with my parents, and still do), but Mom and Dad? They’re human. They make mistakes. They’re trying their very best not to, but they still make mistakes! EVERYONE makes fucking mistakes! And does that mean that you have a right to be at everyone’s throats for making choices that don’t necessarily go with what you had planned for yourself? NO! Never never NEVER do that, because then you’re as bad as them! And this never ends, it spins out of control and before you know, everything’s broken. Doomed. Dead. At that stage, you’re at a point in your life that you hate, where you hate yourself...I mean TRULY HATE, not the oh-boohoo-my-life-sucks-i-hate-myself brand of mock hate, also known as FRUSTRATION or SELF-PITY...and you have yourself to blame for when Mom and Dad go cold on you, don’t help you and WHATEVER it is that you disliked about them when you were trying to break free.

Because when you think about it, parents have a really hard task to accomplish. I mean, not only do they have to worry about their own needs, but they have to worry about the needs of a spouse/partner and of young, frail minds. Their own children. They have to have the task of protecting, feeding, teaching...hell, they have to do EVERYTHING that a human society would offer, WITHOUT the fancy services and the taxation. THEN, when they’re done teaching everything, they have to somehow learn to distance themselves from their own creation, their own physical proof that family exists, so that the child can become its own person?

Though I’m all for the notion of being your own person and not being a mindless puppet, I can see why parents would have a hard time not indicating which way to take, even if it isn’t what the child wants. They invest so much time and effort in creating while maintaining THEMSELVES, they SHOULD have their moment of selfishness. Otherwise, something is deeply wrong, since they could have just ditched their child from the age of FOUR, which is about the time where a child has sufficient knowledge to at least make out the basics.

There ARE no mandatory classes on how to be a parent, so it of course becomes a very touch-and-go situation for them. Mistakes happen. Fuck, I’m sure that even if there were classes on how to be a parent (and not the workshop-type things that are around nowadays with self-help books and all that useless garbage), there would STILL BE MISTAKES.
AT LEAST THERE ARE PEOPLE SENSIBLE ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT THERE ARE MISTAKES BEEN MADE. And with that comes progress, good that is trying to right the proverbial wrong.
Nothing is fool proof, if not everything would be boring. We would all lose interest in doing things, we wouldn’t look for improvement and everything would just STOP.

Does anyone have an idea what it’s like to have everything stop? Nothing going back? Nothing going forward? There would be worse unhappiness, there would be worse rebellion, there would be worse suffering for all of us.
Yes, life sucks. But that doesn’t mean that you have the right to just GIVE UP. That’s the coward’s way out, and no one in their right mind should have to use that way. We all deserve the very best out there, unless we work to destroy the very best. By then you’ve lost yourself, and you’re a coward. You’re weak. A joke. A fucking goddamn waste of resources, time, energy and....(might I even chance it in saying) love.

I’m done. Done with an ever-constant sense wallowing, self-pitying and being all-around frustrated with myself. My life has looked less bleak because I've cut out a large part of it out of my life. And everyone who’s stumbled on this and read the whole thing should too. BECAUSE WHO WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO HATES THEIR GUTS 24/7 AND SHOWS IT OR HIDES IT IN A SHITTY MANNER? Apart from those who have a messiah complex, or are willing to stick with you no matter what...no one, that’s who.

Of course, I'm not saying that you should always be happy-wappy and plastic. It's just that there so much MORE to life than hanging out in your little dark corner.

So sit down, SHUT UP, and instead of talking about it, DO SOMETHING TO MAKE IT BETTER FOR YOU; since you can only really be a part of the general solution if you’ve figured yourself out.

Je dis FUCK YOU madame.

Oh dear lord, I’ve been listening to a lot of ‘québécois’ music. Well, not so much ‘a lot’ as ‘I’m listening to the same CD all day long, and the lyrics are getting stuck in my head’. As a plus, it’s a CD that I won during my French Lit class for giving the right answer!

Che, I’m cool like that, and you all know it!

So my lovies and duckies, I seriously hope that you go around getting some frights and/or treats tonight, since it’s the only day that cosplayers of all genres aren’t looked down upon.

Believe me, there’s a whole lot of that going around. I’ve heard of people who were sneered at the last convention that was held in town. And let’s just say that they’re still bitter about it.

Anyhow, be creative! Have fun! Who gives a hoot about what others think, tonight belongs to those with imaginations! Tonight belongs to us!

I was about to head over to my closet and make a Mad Hatter costume with whatever was at my disposal, but I have wonderfully amazing people who got me acquainted to a cosplay (meaning I was pressured into owning it by them getting it for me).

An Uzumaki Naruto cosplay.

From the Shippuden arc.

Seeing as I’ve been going gaga over ’s take on Kyuubi!Naruto in her (unfortunately discontinued) fan comic ‘Here’s To The Future’ and really want to cosplay him. Sans tail and (potentially) ears for now, since I pushed that back and don’t have the time to do something like that with my needles, rags and cotton balls.

Because demon boys are cool. And I have a blond rocker wig that I want to wear, and I think that the anime is crap but the manga is still fun to read.

Pictures = maybe? Depends on whether or not I have the will to bring a camera and find an empty memory card to take them.

Otherwise, I’d be happy to supply pictures of my cosplay when it’s completely done (meaning with the tail and ears).

And on an art note...yeah, major block of doom for drawing since September if you haven’t noticed. There’s a ton of photography ideas that I would love to put into motion, because pictures require less work from me.

Yeah yeah, I’m a lazy bum, SUE ME (but don’t actually do that, I’m still rather innocent and blah blah blah).

School is making me weirder, can you tell??